I am in Between.

Writing has always been therapeutic for me- a catharsis; a way to express my inner emotions without actually voicing how I really feel, something that I have always found difficult to do. I guess that’s because part of me feels as though there is no possible way to word my feelings in such a way that those around me can understand. I hate being vulnerable. I can’t stand the sight of seeing people upset, and as a result, I hide behind a smile and my positive persona, because I don’t want them to worry. I don’t want their pity. Let me very clear. My life is not a sob story. My life is awesome. The experiences and opportunities I have had have generated genuine feelings of joy for me, but I sugar coat things. I find it difficult to admit that there are some things in life that suck. Sometimes, life sucks big kahunas.

When I sat down to write this with tears streaming down my face, I felt like such a negative person. I felt so guilty, guilty because I know I have so much to be grateful for. I am blessed to have an amazing group of family and friends- I thank God every day for them. I have an incredible job that literally makes my soul dance, and I am fortunate enough to be involved in various sport organizations both as a participant and an advocate. In my blog, I focus on the blessings that life has brought me, as well as the lessons I have learned as a result of living with Cerebral Palsy. And all of this is true. It just isn’t how I feel all the time. Sometimes, I feel like my life is synonymous with a pop bottle that has so much pressure in it from being shook over and over again to the point where it is destined to explode at any given time, yet I somehow manage to keep the lid sealed tight.

A lot of people are not aware of the secondary conditions associated with Cerebral Palsy. I have always known that the brain damage that caused my disorder isn’t progressive, but it wasn’t until I reached adulthood when I learned that because of the years of wear and tear on my joints and the effort it takes just to move around, I would be facing a diagnosis of arthritis in my twenties along with various other complications.

I didn’t know that I would be in so much pain that some days, I dread the idea of moving. I didn’t know that my ability to walk amongst other activities would be drastically reduced. On the days where the pain is overwhelming, I find myself longing to go back in time. I find myself wishing for a body that coincides with my heart and my spirit. I find myself thinking about how it will affect me in the future. I am having difficulty making sense of it all. I think that in life, we all crave answers. We want to know the reasons that lie behind our challenges. The truth is, I don’t think we are always meant to know why certain things happen. I wrote this not so that everyone is aware of my struggles. I wrote this because we all have them. I wrote this because I want you to know that it is okay not to be okay. I wrote this because I want you to know that on your bad days, it is okay to scream and cry. It is okay to grieve. If we don’t allow ourselves to feel, we cannot move forward without those emotions lingering and looming over us like dark storm clouds. It is not fair to put yourself through that, even though we all know that it is easier said than done.

Life has proven to me time and time again that the sun will always come out from behind the clouds after the rain. One of the most difficult challenges we are faced with as humans is learning to dance in the rain and accept what is out of our control.

I’ll be honest; I am not there just yet. Right now, I am in between. And I am okay with that.

A special thank you to Kelsea Ballerni for writing and singing a song that I relate to so much.