You Can Either Get Bitter or Better.

Fearless. The girl who tries everything. Miss Adventure Girl. Role Model. Warrior. These are some of the words and phrases that others have used to describe me.

I’ll be honest- knowing that other people think of me in these ways can sometimes be very overwhelming, especially during the moments where I feel exhausted and fed up with what’s going in my world because in those moments, I am not strong. I am not fearless. And I most certainly don’t feel like anyone’s role model. In those moments, I am a wreck.

Life is not always easy.

As I sat on my friend’s paddleboard with my legs stretched out in front of me, ready to abandon the shore of Keho Lake on Tuesday afternoon, I felt so self- conscious. Typically, my mind goes wild with excitement at the thought of soaking up any adventures that the outdoors has to offer. This wasn’t like me. What is happening to me? In that moment and the hours leading up to our adventure, all I could think about was how others would feel, what they might think if they glanced down and saw the catheter bag strapped to my leg. The voices in my head began to compete with one another. You are never like this. Get a grip, I thought. It’s just a pee bag! But this wasn’t the problem. The problem is that every time I look down at my bag, it reminds me that my bladder deciding to be inconsiderate and stop working is just another chapter of my crooked journey, and this is a part of my reality right now.

In retrospect, I realized that this had very little to do with anything or anyone else but me. I have yet to fully accept my new reality. I am getting better, but I still have moments where it slaps me in face and that’s okay, because that’s all part of the journey, too. Without those moments, our lives would remain stagnant. We would stay pinned up against our own metaphorical, emotional walls, leaving us with no room to move forward and grow.

What I refuse to accept though is, the changes in my life preventing me from doing the things I want to do with it. I will not let them. They do not have that power over me. They do not define me.

Last night during a candid conversation with a dear friend of mine, we talked about how we are all blessed with the gift of choice. When life gets tough, we have two choices. We can either get bitter, or we can get better. Just because my circumstances have been altered, it doesn’t mean that my outlook on life and my free, adventurous spirit have to change. I may have to modify things along the way to accommodate those changes, but it will not stop me from seeking adventure, trying new things and living everyday to the fullest.

Not a chance.