Keep Breathing...

“ The longer you have to wait for something, the more you will appreciate it when it arrives. The harder you have to fight for something, the more priceless it will become once you achieve it. And the more pain you endure on your journey, the sweeter your arrival at your destination. All good things are worth waiting for and fighting for.”

-Unknown.

As I sit down to write this, I am full of mixed emotions, and my thoughts are all over the place. Please forgive me if this just comes out as a disarray of words.

I am happy, because I finally saw the surgeon. He believes that I am an excellent candidate for what is called a mitrofanoff procedure If you would like to know more about this procedure, please feel free to click on the link. I felt vindicated. I felt as though someone in the medical profession was finally listening to the cry within my soul. I just want to be free again. I don’t want to live with a catheter for the rest of my life. I am so done with coming down with another infection every two weeks. I am tired of dealing with the unbearable pain that is associated with them. He got it. He got me.

I am frustrated because no one is able to say for sure when I will undergo the surgery. The thought of potentially having to wait months until I can have my life back is agonizing. I am frustrated, because my family, friends and the children I work with deserve so much more than this. I hate seeing and knowing how this is affecting the people who make my world go round. I love them with all of my heart and soul. I am frustrated because by definition, I am disabled; yet I have never felt more disabled in my life.

I am scared, because I don’t know what lies around the next corner. Uncertainty is arguably the most uncomfortable feeling a human can possibly experience. How many more infections will I have to face between now and the procedure? I am anxious, because I could get a phone call from the specialists in Calgary with a date for the procedure at any time. I long for that number to flash across my cell phone screen. I am scared, because I know how invasive the procedure will be. I am no stranger to the surgical world. Just like any other surgery, it comes with risks and a list of potential complications, but I have to be willing to take that risk if I ever want to see my dreams become a reality.

I am hopeful. Once this chapter of my crooked journey comes to an end, I am optimistic that I will be able to return back to the sports and all of the other activities I love so much with a vengeance. I am hopeful that my pain level will be reduced. I am hopeful that I will regain the independence I have lost.

I am grateful for all that I have learned, especially over the last six months. I have learned that we often don’t appreciate what we have until it isn’t there anymore. I never thought that I would take the ability to empty my bladder naturally for granted. Although I thought I was a patient person, this experience has opened my eyes to the fact that I still have an extensive amount of work to do in that area. This experience has forced me to lean into my faith like never before. It has made me more spiritual. This is something that I am beyond thankful for. Sometimes, it is really difficult to understand why we are dealt a certain deck of cards, but I truly believe that to everything there is a season. Hard times do not last forever. The sun always comes out from behind the clouds again.

Until the storm calms, I have to remember to keep breathing throughout it. I have to keep fighting.