A Shell That Encases Me.

"… You are just a shell, a shell that encases the real me." I am truly mind blown. As I repeatedly mull over this beautifully crafted sentence embedded in an open letter that a stranger has written to her cerebral palsy, I am overcome with emotion. Her thoughts resonate so deeply with me. They rock my soul. My life is a constant battle between trying to live my life as though my challenges do not define me and feeling like they are trying to drag me down. This is definitely something that I have felt more strongly, especially now that more complications related to my condition have begun floating to the surface. In retrospect, I suppose that these secondary conditions probably started years ago already, but I brushed them off. I ignored the pain because I didn’t want anything in my life to change. My thoughts were this: I have been through so much and worked so hard to get to where I am now, so why would I admit anything that could possibly put that in jeopardy?

Defeat is one of the most awful feelings a human can possibly experience. Damn it, it’s hard. When I took off my mask, I felt defeated because I was admitting that sometimes life does suck and sometimes, I do struggle. It wasn’t until very recently that I realized that showing my emotions and being real is not admitting defeat. Acknowledgement is what allows us to move forward. It’s also made me realize that I should be proud of myself for all that I have managed to achieve in my life, despite all of the odds that have been stacked against me.

Earlier this week marked a very special milestone for me. It has been five years since my last major surgery. As a child, I had a multitude of surgeries, most of which were to relieve the stiffness in my legs by either cutting or lengthening certain muscles and tendons in my legs. After the surgery was complete, I was often in leg casts for weeks out of time to hopefully give them a good stretch to gain range of motion and mobility. The seemingly never-ending operations tested my mental and emotional strength. There were times where I wanted to lay down and quit, but what kept me going was lying in my hospital bed and thinking about all of the things I wanted to do once I was out of the hospital and finished rehabilitation. It was during those dark times that I did the most dreaming. I can honestly say that I have been fortunate enough to have several of my dreams become a reality. Even though life with Cerebral Palsy isn’t what I want, there is so much more to me than the fact that I have a physical disability; like the fact that I love to dream. I am dreamer, and that is something that will never change; it's how I survive.

Dreaming doesn’t mean that you will always be successful at everything you set out to do. It means that you have the motivation to try. As long as you have the ability to dream, you will never be truly defeated.