Up We Go.
On Monday morning, I panicked. For almost a month now, I had been waiting to hear when my consultation for a surgical procedure that will hopefully bring some independence back into my life, allowing me to toilet myself again will be. The consultation is not until the beginning of September. While I was relieved to finally receive a date, the appointment is still three and a half months away. A wave of anxiety came flooding over me like a giant tidal wave. Immediately, I pulled up the calendar on my phone and began to count the days remaining until the consultation out loud. 99 days…. How the hell am I going to do this? Why do I have to wait so long? Do they not understand how difficult this has been for me, how much pain I am in?
Between trying to figure out how I am going to work my medical challenges around my summer schedule and worrying about the risk of infection from catheterization, I am overcome with anxiety right now.
Last night, when I was lying there staring at the ceiling trying to wrap my head around how I am going to get through the next few months, my phone dinged. One of my friends sent me a beautiful quote. “ Don’t count the days. Make the days count.” – Muhammad Ali. This is how I am going to get through the time leading up to my surgery. Rather than thinking about how much time I still have to wait and what could potentially happen before the procedure takes place, I am going to do my best to make the most of every day. Some of you might be reading this and think, this is so cliché. Some of you may read this and think this is what we should all strive to do and be. I don’t know. What I do know is that my decision to make my days count does not mean that I am going to be happy- go lucky and pooping rainbows all the time, and it certainly does mean that my life is going to be free from anxiety.
To all of my fellow warriors out there, when you feel as though you are losing control; when you are overwhelmed with the uncertainty that lies around the next corner; when the only choice that you have is to wait; when you don’t feel as though you, just you is good enough, remember who you are and where you came from. You are so much more than all of your fears. You are strong. You have fought so many battles already and prevailed. Because of this, I know that you will emerge from the other side of this with a smile.
From here, it is only up we go.
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